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Community Boards => The Den => : Caradon July 01, 2019, 09:46:15 AM

: Caradon's waking journal
: Caradon July 01, 2019, 09:46:15 AM

I'm putting this here in the Den so that it's visible to the public.

I honestly don't mind talking to myself, lol. But it's still better to think some random person might come along and find it interesting enough to read.

My happy world turned upside down and tunred to shit the last few years. The years since I was last focused on my dreaming, and waking life was still good too. I've since pretty much shut everyone out completely and become a total isolationist. I only remain a part if general society because I don't have a lot of choice. I need to go to a job to make money to pay bills. I  often fatntasize about having a hidden undergound bunker I can goo and seal shut, completely shutting out the outside world. If I won the lotery or something I think I'd do just that. Livinig on a huge chunk of land with my hidden bunker under ground rarely if ever leaving my propperty. Because when I'm alone like, that is when I feel the best, when I feel  good. It's the fact of being forced to participate in society, that brings depression. But having said that, the contraditction is, I truly do have fun at my job, and enjoy the people I' with when I'm working. But for some reason, I still hate the fact that I have to do it.   Maybe it'sjust that I hate "having" to do anything...

Last winter I got rid of pretty much all of my furniture. All I have is my swiveling office chair, the futon that I put out on my porch. A  tablein the kitchen. A nice reclining lawn chair that is also on my porch.

I set up a tent in my living room. The  entire winter I spent nearly every moment of my freetime in my tent in my living room. With my noise cancelling headphones. My laptop computer to watch netflix on, or you tube. I love the virtual fireplace with the rain and thunder. I loved being inn my tent, with my noise cancelling headphones. Feeling far far away from everyone and everything in the world. And on  a twenty below zero winter day, the house freezing cold. In the tentwith a hot thurmous of coffee,and the tent holding in body heat is such a warm cozy place to be. Also saves on electricity, with everything off in the house other than my laptop plugged in and a little lamp to turn on when I need to. And the dog loved the tent too. I have pictures of her laying outside the door of the tent, or under the vestibule waiting to go back in. She always did love going camping with me. And our trips to the cabin.

I have not been to the cabin for a while, a couple of years. Because my dogs favorite thing in the world is rding on my bike, and going on all day biking adventures with me. So I've been giving her as much of that as I can.  Because I want to make her last days in the world as joyful and fun for her as I can. And we are fortunate that there are many nice biking trail systems in the area.

Last year I started working on my dreaming again, and was making great progress.  But in the fall,  when I took her (The dog) to her yearly  check up. They found her lungs almost completely full of cancer  (I saw the x-rays.)it ws shocking. Looks like barely  no room in her lungs left to breath. The vets were perplexed as to why she was not showing any symptoms of it, and walking aorund seeming  healthy and fine. And they were talking to me like she could be dead at any moment, and didn't exepct her to live for any lenght of time. I was crumbling inside at the news and my dream work fell apart again.

But here she is, nearly a year later. And still not showing any symptoms of the cancer in her lungs. Breathing fine, walking fine.I take her down from the bike aand let her walk, she surprises me with how far she can go. She may not go real fast anymore, being 17 years old. But she just goes and goes and goes. walkinng more than most dogs ever get to. one of our all day outings recently, she must have walked three hours of the time we were out. Not all at once. And hour and a half at one ppoint, and another hour in a half later. BUt both times it was I that stopped her and put her back on the bike. BUt still, she is 17 years old and I know I'm very fortunate that she is still here this long. Sometimes I think she is just sticking around so long because she knows how hard it's going to be for me, when she is gone.

I don't know how I'm going to handle that. But I feel like I don't want to insult her memory by surrendering complpetely to despare in losing her.. She came into my life only to bring good things, not tear me apart inside. She helped to bring me back to my true self when she first came into my life. Forcing me out into nature again, and mmaking me feel something I had lost. Ad bringing me back to my dreaming self. That is one of the reasons why she is so special to me, she was like a magical gift. And as she leaves, I'm determined honor her memory, to use it as a stepping stone To continue and expand on the giift she brought me, when she came into my life. I don't want to dishonor her, by letting her loss destroy me completely. 
: Re: Caradon's waking journal
: Caradon July 01, 2019, 01:54:58 PM
Monday/July/1/2019  1:05pm

 I really want to take a nap and maybe get some nap recall/do some WILding too. As my recall from last night wasn't too good. But I'm sitting here on my relaxing porch with all the windows open and the rain has begun again. According to the forecast  it's supposed to storm all evening. It's not often I get to have a day like this with the rain and storms on my day off to be able to just enjoy it and not have to think about going anywhere.  So I don't really want to go to sleep and sleep through it. I love the sound and smell of the rain. But I am getting kind of sleepy anyways, not sure I can stay awake lol. Staying awake has become more of a challenge the last year or two.

Edit: Decided I'm going to take a nap after all. Too sleepy to be able to fully enjoy being awake right now. Just finished clearing  (bumping) all the zombies (spam) from the front page of the dream Journals.
: Re: Caradon's waking journal
: Caradon July 03, 2019, 10:25:19 AM

Yesterday afternoon I took her for about a three hour bike ride. Should have went earlier and  longer but I was slow to get going and on the computer too much too.

She saw me putting air in the bike tires getting the bike ready. And was instantly up and alert and following me all around excited to go biking. Always makes me feel good to see her getting so happy and excited to go. And knowing I'm doing right by her bringing  something fun into her life. She is getting so old she doesn't get excited about much anymore, but when she knows we are going biking she is up and alert the entire time. At the end of May I had taken two weeks off work to spend with her. We had a lot of nice weather  and were out adventurng for hours and hours.

I thought it was a little too warm out yesterday to let her do much walking so only put her down to walk enough to do her business and put her back on the bike.

I figured out how to do awareness meditation while riding, just kind of put put around  keepin a silent mind and staying fully present in the moment. Everything is so beautiful right now, so green. It's a joy to just put put around on the bike in awareness work mode absorbing it all.

: Re: Caradon's waking journal
: Rainbow July 05, 2019, 08:14:51 AM
Hey Caradon

It's so heartwarming to hear how much joy you have brought to your dog's life and vice versa.

And as she leaves, I'm determined honor her memory, to use it as a stepping stone To continue and expand on the giift she brought me, when she came into my life. I don't want to dishonor her, by letting her loss destroy me completely. 

These are some of the most profound and beautiful words I've ever read.

As a loner myself, your tent sounds like heaven. I go to a cafe every day (just to get myself out of the house) and when there I put on my noise-cancelling headphones and listen to audiobooks. I think you'd enjoy audiobooks. I've always found reading to be good for lucid dreaming.

Your bike rides sound like heaven too. I love being out in nature, away from the hustle and bustle of people and city life.

: Re: Caradon's waking journal
: Caradon July 05, 2019, 01:07:27 PM
Hey Caradon

It's so heartwarming to hear how much joy you have brought to your dog's life and vice versa.

And as she leaves, I'm determined honor her memory, to use it as a stepping stone To continue and expand on the giift she brought me, when she came into my life. I don't want to dishonor her, by letting her loss destroy me completely. 

These are some of the most profound and beautiful words I've ever read.

As a loner myself, your tent sounds like heaven. I go to a cafe every day (just to get myself out of the house) and when there I put on my noise-cancelling headphones and listen to audiobooks. I think you'd enjoy audiobooks. I've always found reading to be good for lucid dreaming.

Your bike rides sound like heaven too. I love being out in nature, away from the hustle and bustle of people and city life.


Hi Rainbow. Thank you!. Good to see you found your way back here! Yeah the headphones are the best invention ever I think... :)
: Re: Caradon's waking journal
: Caradon October 15, 2019, 07:26:33 AM
These are some of the most profound and beautiful words I've ever read.

Well those were big words I don't know if I can actually live up to.  It's easier said than done. Even without losing her I've not been in the best place.  I had to take her in for a blood test last week in order to get more heart worm stuff because they won't sell it to me otherwise and that was a horrible experience. And now they are telling me they think her kidney's are starting to get bad, and possibly other kinds of cancer developing  and some other things I don't even understand. And I think she might have had her last bike ride last week as the weather is turning fast. I would have to bring her in  for more testing in order to confirm everything they are saying they think might be happening but I'm not going to put her through any more of their torturing her than absolutely necessary especially since they can't do much of anything for her no matter what they find.

But they have been telling me she is about to die for over a year now, and they didn't understand how she was even walking around seeming healthy a year ago. They didn't even want to sell me any heartgard last year because they didn't think she would live long enough to need it.   And she is still looking and acting fine more than a year later. I took her walking yesterday, and she was as happy and  chipper to be out as ever. I have her on special dog food for her kidneys now, thankfully she likes it a lot, surprisingly, since she is a picky eater. They put something in it apparently she loves. And she was chowing it down yesterday like a favorite treat. So that made me feel better at least, hopefully it will help slow things down.

The vets were wrong last year, all I can do is hope she will keep surprising everyone and keep hanging in there a little longer. I'm taking more time off from work to spend with her. Thankfully my boss is very nice and understanding of the situation because it's a really bad time for me to be taking off from work because they are already short staffed.
: Re: Caradon's waking journal
: Caradon October 30, 2019, 11:38:06 AM
I deleted my last post because I decided it was too depressing.
: Re: Caradon's waking journal
: Caradon February 24, 2020, 09:21:15 PM

It's been a shitty month. I made probably a bad decision today. I went out and bought a couple of bottles of wine and a pack of cigarettes. I didn't want to do that, feeling like it would be disrespecting her memory and everything that she did for me. Thinking that maybe if I get drunk and mourn her properly, let it all out. There hasn't been a day yet since she died, I have not cried at least a little, missing her. I'm sorry to be depressing. But I thought maybe if I get it out of my system I can start to concentrate better and get better focused on my dreaming.

It's been a little more than a month since she died. Until today, I've hardly left my living room tent since that horrible day of her death. Other than to go to work. And watching too much Netflix because it's what relaxes me and been keeping me sane. And going to work, and expected to carry on as if nothing ever happened and everything is normal. I don't feel like anyone really understands, and that this kind of horror is to be shrugged off and you just carry on as normal but I also get that there isn't really anything else to do. I mean, If you just had a teenage child that died an awful death in your arms are  you just supposed to go on with your day the next day like everything is fine and normal? That is literally what I am experiencing here... There is literally no difference. But maybe the bond we shared was probably even deeper. 

I've been kind of an asshole, well most of the time putting on a happy face. But every now and then, something setting me off and going off on someone. Almost even walked off the job one day, when I got pissed at one of my supervisors and basically told him to go fuck himself. Because I've been in an I don't really give  a fuck mode about anything and didn't care if I lost my job or not. But I apologized later. I think they do understand a little, that I've been going through a hard time. But they don't really understand, I don't think. How special she really was to me. And the bond that her and I shared. She was just a dog after all, right? But not really. Not to me. And I don't think to those that actually knew her either.

And I feel like I need to tell the story, of how she randomly came into my life, and chose me. And the way she brought me back to myself, during bad times back then. And brought me back to my dreaming practices. And in fact, it was because of her. That I found my way to these forums. And all the friends I made here, and on DV. It's because of her, that all that have known me here, even got to know me. It's all because of her, and the magic she brought into my life. That I'm even here at all.

If I would have went out and chosen a dog, it would never have been a small dog like her. I would have went out and got a big husky or something similar. But she came into my life. And in fact, even though I liked her at first, she annoyed the heck out of me in the beginning. And I was always trying to avoid her. But no matter how quiet I tried to be, coming home, trying to sneak in without her knowing, she seemed to always know when I was here. And wouldn't stay away from me. She would be at my door.
You see, I rent half of a house from family. It's basically a duplex. But the ones in the other half of the house. They decided to get a dog, and they picked her out. They bought her from a place that they tell you to never buy a dog from, because they come from puppy mills where animals are treated badly. And they say you should never buy an animal from a place like that, because it only supports the ill treatment. But I can't help but thank all the powers that be, that they went there and picked her. Because I can't stand to think, what might have become of her life, had they not done that, and she came into my life.

I'll never forget that first day that I saw her. I was just sitting there playing a video game, it was the day of the first X-box. Considered ancient now. My phone rang, a land line phone. I picked up the phone, and the person on the phone asked me to come and talk to them for a minute.

I paused my game, and went to see what they wanted. When I arrived there, to my surprise, I see this tiny little puppy. The cutest thing you can imagine. Still so small, she fit in the palm of one hand. A cute little thing, that didn't even look like a dog. She looked like a little Ewok or something. I was like, wow, so cool. I held her for a minute, and went back to playing my game.

As the days and weeks went by, she was so hyper. and kept wanting to find me and get me to play. She seemed an annoying ferocious monster, ball of fur. Always after me, attacking me. She was growing on me, but she wasn't mine. I was annoyed, lol. I wanted to play my game, or watch the TV. But she just wouldn't stay away. I would try to wear her out, so that she would just go to sleep and leave me alone. But she was so persistent. I would go to work, and come home, trying to be as quiet as possible so she wouldn't know I was there. But she always knew. No matter how quiet I tried to be. No matter what, somehow she always knew when I was home. And she would come looking for me. I was fond of her, even though annoyed, and she wasn't mine.

Then one day, I got the flue. I was so sick. I'll never forget those couple of days being so sick. And as mentioned, she was an extremely hyper puppy still. But even so she wouldn't leave my side. A house full of people, but she lay next to me, the entire time I was sick, and wouldn't leave my side. I remember waking up now and then and hearing her playing with a biscuit or something near me, but then she was right back laying at my side.  Everyone in the house was so amazed the way she stayed right there with me the entire time and wouldn't leave my side. That was the turning point, the beginning, of the bond her and I began to form. At that point, I had never even taken her walking or anything like that. I don't even know why, that choosing me. I didn't buy her, I didn't raise her in her earliest days. And I was just trying to avoid her. But for some unknown reason, she just wanted me.

Then the time came, when her real owners left the country for a week, maybe two I'm not sure. And they left her with me, to take care of her while they were gone. I'll never  forget that first night either, they left at the wee hours of the morning. I remember hearing their van driving away, she heard it too. And she was at the door from which they left, just crying. literally crying  at their departure. My heart broke to hear it. I went and scooped her up in my arms to comfort her. Her name is Lacy, and that is the first time I said it to her. "Lacy's my buddy." "Lacy's my buddy." I carried her in my arms back to my bed and I'll never forget how she stopped crying then, and snuggled into me, relaxed and content.

And that was the real beginning of the bond we formed. I felt so badly, that her owners left her. I did everything I could to distract her, entertain her, and keep her from  missing them. And those were the first days that I started taking her walking. And how she loved it, when I asked her if she wanted to go for a walk and the way she would run up, sit up and pump her front feet. It's kind of funny, how much I actually hated taking her walking in those early days. But I did it for her. Because I knew how much she like it.

We played and walked, just short walks then, around the near by park because I wasn't really into it. I went out and bought her this giant sized rawhide bone that was as big as she is. I thought it was funny. I actually have photos of her with that bone, that I'll post in my photo gallery. I had foresight even then, to take photos. And I took photos of  those first days, when I was taking care of her for the first time.

By the time her true owners came back, she didn't want to be separated from  me at all. She would go spend a little time with them, and want to be right back with me. They were upset at first, thinking I was trying to steal her from them. But I wasn't, not at all. She was the one, she was choosing me. She always wanted to be with me, I don't know why... She is the one, that worked herself into my heart, I wasn't trying to select her.

Then the first winter came, she was born in March. And they stopped walking her. They didn't want to go out into the cold to walk her. I felt bad for her, she needed her walks. So I took up the mantle of walking her during her first winter. She was young, the cold didn't bother her, it only energized her. She loved the winter, she loved the snow. She would play in the snow. She always had a face full of snow when playing outside.

It was that first winter, when the real magic happened. It was 2005, I think. As I joined DV in 2007. As mentioned, at first, I hated having to walk her. But I was doing it for her. In my earlier years, I was big into nature and even moved to the mountains so I could go back-packing in the mountains. I had been a true spiritualist back then, and naturalist. And I was so into nature and camping. I was lucid dreaming at a young age, and being a part of nature was a huge thing for me. But somewhere along the line I had lost that. There  was several years I had lost that. And I had lost touch with my dreaming practices, and got caught up in the party life style, and video games. I had not even had any dream recall at all in years.

But my annoyance in having to walk her all the time, actually made me want to go further out. Not just around the neighborhood and around the nearby parks. I needed to make it fun for me too. So I started taking her further out into nature. And during those walks something magical happened. I started feeling that tranquility, of being a part of the land. A feeling that I had not felt in what felt like a very long time. This feeling started to make me want to be focused on my dreaming practices again. And this feeling made me start to remember all of the lucid dreaming experiences I had had back in the late 80's 90's . And I was missing that. And I had made the decision to start getting back to myself and my dreaming.

There was a day, I'll never forget it. We had just gotten back from one of our walks. And I was in such a tranquil frame of mind. The trails were beautiful and I was feeling so at peace within myself. And I had had a sort of an epiphany. And thinking about the way she randomly came into my life, forced me out into the natural world and started bringing me back to my true self. And I was like wow, in that moment, I realized what a gift this little fur ball really is. In that moment, the way she so randomly came into my life, and somehow inadvertently, was bringing me back to who I really am. I saw it as a spiritual event. Some kind of gift from the natural world to bring me back to something I had lost...

And in that moment, I vowed to never take her for granted, to always appreciate the gift that she had brought me. And to do everything I could to show my appreciation and love for what she was, and what she has done for me. . And to give her the best life  and the most love I possible could give her in return.

And our bond just kept growing. And our friendship was something I never thought was even possible between and animal and a human. I started working hard to recall dreams, writing in a notebook. It was a long slow process but I eventually gained my recall again, and started inducing lucidity. I got that big basket and bolted it onto the back of my bike. And I started taking her riding on so many all day adventures. She loved riding on the bike so much, the way her eyes would light up touched my heart so. And I was thankful that I was able to bring such joy into her life. 

I had never had a computer, but on someone else's computer in 2007. I found Dream Views. And then bought my own computer, to start a journal. And met Moonbeam and PJ. And my lucid dreaming practices took off again.

So you see, if you have read all of this. To some maybe she is just a dog, a pet that has died. Shrug it off on go on with your life as if nothing happened just get over it. But when I say, she was the best thing that ever cam into my life, those are not just idle words. She was so much more than just a pet, just a dog. She touched my life in ways that I could have never imagined possible. And her loss is not a trivial thing, but the most devastating thing I will ever experience in this life.

And people say, it's sounds like a peaceful death, dying in your arms at home. Maybe so, and even though I'm grateful it didn't happen at the vet. Those final hours are haunting me. And maybe I need to write out those moments too. I've been keeping it to myself not wanting to make anyone feel bad.

And then later, eventually getting her remains back. Stuffed into a jar with her name on it, and shipped in a box like some kind of product to make money off of. A horror like I've never known before.

I'm sorry, the alcohol starting to get to me. I'm going to go now, sit outside in her yard, smoke a few cigarettes. Try and get focused tomorrow. Maybe I will again, this upcoming spring if I go out to the cabin for the first time without her with something to drink and smoke sitting by a camp fire. But if I have any wine or cigarettes by morning I plan to get rid of them.

I had a dream just a couple days before she started getting really sick. I didn't post it because I didn't want to post more depressing stuff, and nightmares of losing her have not been exactly uncommon over the years.  But in my dream, I was carrying her around in my arms and I somehow knew that she only had a few more days to live. And I was hurting and telling people around me that she was about to die. coincidence, premonition, I don't know. But a couple of days later, it happened in reality. Now she is gone. My baby is gone and I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with it. 

: Re: Caradon's waking journal
: Caradon June 03, 2020, 08:24:44 PM

As I write this I'm doing a lot better, in this moment at least. I think I'm actually feeling about as good as I possibly could be feeling under life's circumstances. I've dragged my computer and my swivel chair out onto my porch where I have spent the last two days. And all night last night. I think I'm going to live out here for the remainder of the summer. It's kind of magical, and beginning to feel a sense of tranquility that I've not felt in a long time.

All the windows open and surrounded by green sort of forest, the sounds and smells of wildlife and nature. The woodwork on the walls of the porch making me feel like I'm in a little cabin and I'm out on a camping trip. Fireplace burning on my computer screen as unfortunately I don't have a real fireplace out here. But having one on my computer screen is the next best thing. At night, a lamp with a soft light, the flickering light of the fire on the computer and all the night sounds. With the upper level of the house over hanging the porch I don't have to close the windows when it rains. Not unless the wind is really bad blowing inward. So can enjoy the sound and smells of the rain coming in the open windows. On the porch, feels like I'm sitting outside. And my dreaming practices starting to get back on track, seemly anyways. And maybe another month off work to just enjoy this peaceful little space and try and work on/hopefully progress on my dreaming practices. 

I think the only possible way in which I could feel better than I do right now in this moment, is if my little friend was still here with me. If I had enough money to live off so I would never have to think about money ever again. I've always said I don't want to win the lottery so that I can live an luxurious extravagant life. I want to win the lottery so I can get away from all that shit and never have to think about it again. Just enjoy the little things I enjoy and shut out the rest of the worlds BS.

And of course, if I had woken up from an intense lucid dream last night to mix in the blissful feeling of lucidity in my little cabin abode.

I didn't even watch any Netflix last night. Just enjoying the tranquil feeling of the moment. And there was a nice rain storm yesterday evening.
: Re: Caradon's waking journal
: Caradon June 12, 2020, 01:52:15 AM
Blah.... lol. 

: Re: Caradon's waking journal
: Wędajihs June 21, 2020, 04:38:27 PM

: Re: Caradon's waking journal
: Caradon June 25, 2020, 04:08:29 AM
Lol I had wrote something I decided not to I don't even remember what it was now. But I removed what I wrote and just wrote Blah instead lol.

Yesterday  finally got motivated to go for that walk I've been wanting to take yesterday. I walked for a couple of hours and feeling the consequences of being immobile for three months. My legs started hurting in ways they never hurt before(I wasn't expecting that just from casual slow walking) and are sore the next day. I guess I know what getting old feels like. Makes me wonder how I'm going to feel running around on my feet for eight hour shifts again all of a sudden. it would probably wise to take a few more walks during the week to get my legs used to moving again. But I don't know... It wasn't exactly a feel good walk despite it  being a nice beautiful day.
: Re: Caradon's waking journal
: Caradon June 28, 2020, 11:15:23 AM

Yesterday I went walking at the park preserve again for a while. Partly to exercise my legs because of having to be on my feet running around a lot soon. And partly to try and figure out how enjoy being out in nature without my walking buddy with me. It's just so hard and wrong feeling going to all the same places her and I spent so many years at together.

But this was my second attempt and I wasn't doing too bad, feeling sad but not as horrible as the previous time a couple of days earlier. Just trying to connect with the land and do my awareness work. But then I was walking down one of our frequent trails and I come across a new bench that had never been there before. Usually such benches say in loving memory of such and such person. But this new one was different. Inscribed on the bench are the words. "Where ever a beautiful soul has been there is a trail of beautiful memories." The coincidence of this new bench popping up right there at this time with those words on it is amazing beautiful and horrible all at the same time and it just broke my heart. I wasn't doing as well after seeing that. And I didn't stay at the park much longer. But was feeling a little better after getting back home to my peaceful little porch.

I still can't sit in the living room in front of the TV It just feels too wrong and empty there. I keep a sheet over my TV to keep dust off the TV when I'm not using it. For some reason she loved laying on that sheet and every time I took the sheet off the TV she would know it's time to kick back and watch some TV or play a game. And she would come running over as I fold it up and lay it on the floor next to me for her to lay on. Now I just can't.

Tomorrow/Monday is my last full day of my Pandemic vacation at least for now unless everything gets shut down again because it sounds like things are getting worse than ever rather than better...  I mean I don't officially start working Until Wednesday evening  but I got a call from the boss and he wants me to come in for a little while on Tuesday for a rundown on new Pandemic related procedures. It probably won't take very long an hour at most I'd think. But he wants me to come in on Tuesday to go over it with him because he is not going to be there on Wednesday.

I think the scratchy throat and want not I was experiencing was just allergies.  Because it's not gotten any worse and throat seems to be fine now. However after my little jaunt at the park preserve I made a couple stops at stores and a busy gas station and put gas in my car for the first time since March lol. Tried to be as careful as I could but a lot of people around so you never know. Not that it matters much I'm going to be around people every day once I'm back to work again. But we are all required to be wearing masks there which will probably help some at least.

was thinking kind of nice thing is any time getting sick this fall and winter won't have to work through it, I don't think. Any time feeling a cold coming on most likely get at least a week vacation lol.  Instead of having to work through misery.
: Re: Caradon's waking journal
: Wędajihs July 11, 2020, 09:03:59 PM
Sounds like life is rolling back along for you again, a rough roll but at least it's rolling. Hope work works out for you. And glad to hear you're not sick. Whatever had me fearing I was getting sick just disappeared too. Don't know what that was about. Glad it's gone though.

I hope you don't think this sounds too crazy but occasionally, when it hurts the most, just give your lost friend a 'hello, I miss you', out loud. And maybe tell her something good that happened to you that day. When this was suggested to me to help cope with the passing of a loved one, I thought it was crazy. But because I'm curious and don't mind experimenting on myself, I tried it, just to try it. After a while I realized that it was helping me through those agonizing bits of grieving. it didn't work every single time but as the days rolled by, this coping method helped more and more. It might help you, it might not, but it doesn't hurt to try.
: Re: Caradon's waking journal
: Caradon July 16, 2020, 01:59:11 PM
Thank you.