Author Topic: Caradon's waking journal  (Read 140 times)

Offline Caradon

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Caradon's waking journal
« on: July 01, 2019, 09:46:15 AM »
Monday/July/1/2019

I'm putting this here in the Den so that it's visible to the public.

I honestly don't mind talking to myself, lol. But it's still better to think some random person might come along and find it interesting enough to read.

My happy world turned upside down and tunred to shit the last few years. The years since I was last focused on my dreaming, and waking life was still good too. I've since pretty much shut everyone out completely and become a total isolationist. I only remain a part if general society because I don't have a lot of choice. I need to go to a job to make money to pay bills. I  often fatntasize about having a hidden undergound bunker I can goo and seal shut, completely shutting out the outside world. If I won the lotery or something I think I'd do just that. Livinig on a huge chunk of land with my hidden bunker under ground rarely if ever leaving my propperty. Because when I'm alone like, that is when I feel the best, when I feel  good. It's the fact of being forced to participate in society, that brings depression. But having said that, the contraditction is, I truly do have fun at my job, and enjoy the people I' with when I'm working. But for some reason, I still hate the fact that I have to do it.   Maybe it'sjust that I hate "having" to do anything...

Last winter I got rid of pretty much all of my furniture. All I have is my swiveling office chair, the futon that I put out on my porch. A  tablein the kitchen. A nice reclining lawn chair that is also on my porch.


I set up a tent in my living room. The  entire winter I spent nearly every moment of my freetime in my tent in my living room. With my noise cancelling headphones. My laptop computer to watch netflix on, or you tube. I love the virtual fireplace with the rain and thunder. I loved being inn my tent, with my noise cancelling headphones. Feeling far far away from everyone and everything in the world. And on  a twenty below zero winter day, the house freezing cold. In the tentwith a hot thurmous of coffee,and the tent holding in body heat is such a warm cozy place to be. Also saves on electricity, with everything off in the house other than my laptop plugged in and a little lamp to turn on when I need to. And the dog loved the tent too. I have pictures of her laying outside the door of the tent, or under the vestibule waiting to go back in. She always did love going camping with me. And our trips to the cabin.


I have not been to the cabin for a while, a couple of years. Because my dogs favorite thing in the world is rding on my bike, and going on all day biking adventures with me. So I've been giving her as much of that as I can.  Because I want to make her last days in the world as joyful and fun for her as I can. And we are fortunate that there are many nice biking trail systems in the area.

Last year I started working on my dreaming again, and was making great progress.  But in the fall,  when I took her (The dog) to her yearly  check up. They found her lungs almost completely full of cancer  (I saw the x-rays.)it ws shocking. Looks like barely  no room in her lungs left to breath. The vets were perplexed as to why she was not showing any symptoms of it, and walking aorund seeming  healthy and fine. And they were talking to me like she could be dead at any moment, and didn't exepct her to live for any lenght of time. I was crumbling inside at the news and my dream work fell apart again.


But here she is, nearly a year later. And still not showing any symptoms of the cancer in her lungs. Breathing fine, walking fine.I take her down from the bike aand let her walk, she surprises me with how far she can go. She may not go real fast anymore, being 17 years old. But she just goes and goes and goes. walkinng more than most dogs ever get to. one of our all day outings recently, she must have walked three hours of the time we were out. Not all at once. And hour and a half at one ppoint, and another hour in a half later. BUt both times it was I that stopped her and put her back on the bike. BUt still, she is 17 years old and I know I'm very fortunate that she is still here this long. Sometimes I think she is just sticking around so long because she knows how hard it's going to be for me, when she is gone.


I don't know how I'm going to handle that. But I feel like I don't want to insult her memory by surrendering complpetely to despare in losing her.. She came into my life only to bring good things, not tear me apart inside. She helped to bring me back to my true self when she first came into my life. Forcing me out into nature again, and mmaking me feel something I had lost. Ad bringing me back to my dreaming self. That is one of the reasons why she is so special to me, she was like a magical gift. And as she leaves, I'm determined honor her memory, to use it as a stepping stone To continue and expand on the giift she brought me, when she came into my life. I don't want to dishonor her, by letting her loss destroy me completely. 
« Last Edit: July 01, 2019, 01:58:31 PM by Caradon »

Offline Caradon

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Re: Caradon's waking journal
« Reply #1 on: July 01, 2019, 01:54:58 PM »
Monday/July/1/2019  1:05pm

 I really want to take a nap and maybe get some nap recall/do some WILding too. As my recall from last night wasn't too good. But I'm sitting here on my relaxing porch with all the windows open and the rain has begun again. According to the forecast  it's supposed to storm all evening. It's not often I get to have a day like this with the rain and storms on my day off to be able to just enjoy it and not have to think about going anywhere.  So I don't really want to go to sleep and sleep through it. I love the sound and smell of the rain. But I am getting kind of sleepy anyways, not sure I can stay awake lol. Staying awake has become more of a challenge the last year or two.

Edit: Decided I'm going to take a nap after all. Too sleepy to be able to fully enjoy being awake right now. Just finished clearing  (bumping) all the zombies (spam) from the front page of the dream Journals.
« Last Edit: July 01, 2019, 03:52:52 PM by Caradon »

Offline Caradon

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Re: Caradon's waking journal
« Reply #2 on: July 03, 2019, 10:25:19 AM »
Wednesday/July/3/2019

Yesterday afternoon I took her for about a three hour bike ride. Should have went earlier and  longer but I was slow to get going and on the computer too much too.

She saw me putting air in the bike tires getting the bike ready. And was instantly up and alert and following me all around excited to go biking. Always makes me feel good to see her getting so happy and excited to go. And knowing I'm doing right by her bringing  something fun into her life. She is getting so old she doesn't get excited about much anymore, but when she knows we are going biking she is up and alert the entire time. At the end of May I had taken two weeks off work to spend with her. We had a lot of nice weather  and were out adventurng for hours and hours.


I thought it was a little too warm out yesterday to let her do much walking so only put her down to walk enough to do her business and put her back on the bike.

I figured out how to do awareness meditation while riding, just kind of put put around  keepin a silent mind and staying fully present in the moment. Everything is so beautiful right now, so green. It's a joy to just put put around on the bike in awareness work mode absorbing it all.






Offline Rainbow

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Re: Caradon's waking journal
« Reply #3 on: July 05, 2019, 08:14:51 AM »
Hey Caradon

It's so heartwarming to hear how much joy you have brought to your dog's life and vice versa.

And as she leaves, I'm determined honor her memory, to use it as a stepping stone To continue and expand on the giift she brought me, when she came into my life. I don't want to dishonor her, by letting her loss destroy me completely. 


These are some of the most profound and beautiful words I've ever read.

As a loner myself, your tent sounds like heaven. I go to a cafe every day (just to get myself out of the house) and when there I put on my noise-cancelling headphones and listen to audiobooks. I think you'd enjoy audiobooks. I've always found reading to be good for lucid dreaming.

Your bike rides sound like heaven too. I love being out in nature, away from the hustle and bustle of people and city life.

 :flowerdance:
Is this a dream?                               Is this a dream?                               Is this a dream?                               Is this a dream?

Offline Caradon

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Re: Caradon's waking journal
« Reply #4 on: July 05, 2019, 01:07:27 PM »
Hey Caradon

It's so heartwarming to hear how much joy you have brought to your dog's life and vice versa.

And as she leaves, I'm determined honor her memory, to use it as a stepping stone To continue and expand on the giift she brought me, when she came into my life. I don't want to dishonor her, by letting her loss destroy me completely. 


These are some of the most profound and beautiful words I've ever read.

As a loner myself, your tent sounds like heaven. I go to a cafe every day (just to get myself out of the house) and when there I put on my noise-cancelling headphones and listen to audiobooks. I think you'd enjoy audiobooks. I've always found reading to be good for lucid dreaming.

Your bike rides sound like heaven too. I love being out in nature, away from the hustle and bustle of people and city life.

 :flowerdance:

Hi Rainbow. Thank you!. Good to see you found your way back here! Yeah the headphones are the best invention ever I think... :)

Offline BriellaWilson

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Re: Caradon's waking journal
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Offline Caradon

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Re: Caradon's waking journal
« Reply #6 on: October 15, 2019, 06:57:18 AM »
Sometimes I wish  I had that problem...  Being horny all the time is just an annoying distraction in life.

Offline Caradon

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Re: Caradon's waking journal
« Reply #7 on: October 15, 2019, 07:26:33 AM »
These are some of the most profound and beautiful words I've ever read.
 :flowerdance:

Well those were big words I don't know if I can actually live up to.  It's easier said than done. Even without losing her I've not been in the best place.  I had to take her in for a blood test last week in order to get more heart worm stuff because they won't sell it to me otherwise and that was a horrible experience. And now they are telling me they think her kidney's are starting to get bad, and possibly other kinds of cancer developing  and some other things I don't even understand. And I think she might have had her last bike ride last week as the weather is turning fast. I would have to bring her in  for more testing in order to confirm everything they are saying they think might be happening but I'm not going to put her through any more of their torturing her than absolutely necessary especially since they can't do much of anything for her no matter what they find.

But they have been telling me she is about to die for over a year now, and they didn't understand how she was even walking around seeming healthy a year ago. They didn't even want to sell me any heartgard last year because they didn't think she would live long enough to need it.   And she is still looking and acting fine more than a year later. I took her walking yesterday, and she was as happy and  chipper to be out as ever. I have her on special dog food for her kidneys now, thankfully she likes it a lot, surprisingly, since she is a picky eater. They put something in it apparently she loves. And she was chowing it down yesterday like a favorite treat. So that made me feel better at least, hopefully it will help slow things down.

The vets were wrong last year, all I can do is hope she will keep surprising everyone and keep hanging in there a little longer. I'm taking more time off from work to spend with her. Thankfully my boss is very nice and understanding of the situation because it's a really bad time for me to be taking off from work because they are already short staffed.
« Last Edit: October 15, 2019, 07:32:11 AM by Caradon »