Lyra's Dream Journal

[analyst]

Any suggestions on how to silence my sabotaging inner voice, who insists that my reality checks are silly and won't work? Fake it til you make it, like everything else?

The main thing when working with the SC (no matter what one's reasons) is to take it seriously, and treat it as such.  I recommend you talk to it actively, verbalizing both sides, get to know it without judgement.  Perhaps, get used to journaling it, have a dialogue, and in time you'll definitely see why your SC thinks RCs are silly--and that's key... let it express itself--SCs just don't "do" something without reason.  While I know it takes effort, it's fun, and can be done in any free time you may have.  Gulp... mammahood... 

Until getting to know your SC about this topic, you're giving your SC the freedom to drift into or out of states as it sees fit, without knowing quite why.  Hold it accountable for it's beliefs as they arise, but do so with love, some people need strength here, or gentleness, depending on how one's experience of true love has been throughout life.  In this way, you can invite it to express itself... experience its persona / archetype on this topic, and soon enough, first you'll be having dreams about the silliness of doing RCs... LOL, but not catching them for lucidity.  And maybe then... or even concurrently, you'd potentially open up to having RCs work to gain lucidity, by your SC taking them seriously!

I believe fake it till you make doesn't work long-term on the SC--like you know with some of my forced journeys... they all come to an end... and often over-load the SC with a new response to the forcing/faking attempted.  But they do get short-term gains, and in the beginning, seeing some immediate results sometimes is important.  Just if you do this, don't worry then it stops working in time.

Hee hee... Of course, you could just set up the simpler, less effort way, of demanding your will to adhere to the app reminder by an attention getting electrical shock app!!!  Ha ha ha.     hee hee...  This gets fun in the bedroom, of course...

Can't wait to hear updates on the progress/experiment here!! 
This analyst is pulling for ya!   

[Caradon]

Oh, the dreaded malfunctioning car. Mine was actually doing that in reality last week. It was pretty messed up, but I actually remembered to reality check. My car was pretty much malfunctioning in every way it would in a dream.

I drive a  manual and the car wouldn't idle, every time I took my foot of the gas pedal the engine would stall. So I go to put it in neutral to roll up to a stop, the engine stalls, which causes the brake pedal to freeze up so I can't push it down, and the steering to freeze up so I can't steer. So I'm rolling down the street in neutral, engine dead, no steering, no brakes... WTF, kind of scary rolling up to a red light of a busy intersection with no breaks or steering.  Panic moment, lol. But fortunately throw it back in gear, or turn the key and the engine would fire right back up again and everything would work again. Until I took my foot of the gas again, lol. It's fixed now though, thankfully. 

[analyst]

I can tell by his expression that he is uncomfortable with how close I am to his truck; he moves up a couple feet.

I love this detail. Takes one to know one, lady!!! 

Your reflections on your potential SC’s motives are so intuitive and clearly formed. I love reading them. Symbols are so personal, and I enjoy imagining how these dreams are functioning, arising within you. It so very personal.    Yet other’s dreams can be the very inspiration we need to gain our own insights into our own too sometimes!!

BTW I love sunrooms.
So jealous.

[Lucid Lyra]

Cool, there is that video game dream. They can end up being pretty strange sometimes. I never actually played the World Of Warcraft game at all. I had a coworker from a previous job that got married to someone they met in I'm pretty sure she said is was WOW. She told me they got to be good friends in the game online, then were both surprised to find out they lived in the same area and ended up getting together and eventually got married.

That's one really cool thing about dream communities  like MM ... the conversations I have here really can start to have an impact on my dreams. This isn't the first time. Maybe it helps solidify my intents?

I wouldn't be surprised at all if your coworker met their spouse playing WoW. I've actually heard of that happening.

You can make life long friends there, too. My partner has a group of friends that he's been playing with for nearly 15 years. They've built a real sense of comradery over the years, having fun and overcoming challenges together. Honestly, I'm envious. I don't have many friendships that have stood the test of time like that; I have one that I cherish (not through WoW, but through lucid dreaming conversations!)

[Lucid Lyra]

Oh, the dreaded malfunctioning car. Mine was actually doing that in reality last week. It was pretty messed up, but I actually remembered to reality check. My car was pretty much malfunctioning in every way it would in a dream.

I drive a  manual and the car wouldn't idle, every time I took my foot of the gas pedal the engine would stall. So I go to put it in neutral to roll up to a stop, the engine stalls, which causes the brake pedal to freeze up so I can't push it down, and the steering to freeze up so I can't steer. So I'm rolling down the street in neutral, engine dead, no steering, no brakes... WTF, kind of scary rolling up to a red light of a busy intersection with no breaks or steering.  Panic moment, lol. But fortunately throw it back in gear, or turn the key and the engine would fire right back up again and everything would work again. Until I took my foot of the gas again, lol. It's fixed now though, thankfully.

Oh man, you're living out my nightmare! At least you seem to know what to do, though. I wouldn't know what to do with a manual,  but I technically "know" that in my dream scenario I could have at least looked for the emergency break. Dream me didn't even consider that, though. Haha honestly, panicked awake me is sometimes just as bad as dream me! I'm hoping that lucid dream me will help us fix that! 

Anywho, glad you got those issues fixed! No fun I'm sure, even for those who are more level-headed under pressure!

That's a good point about the reality check, though. I should definitely do them while in the car.

[Lucid Lyra]

Any suggestions on how to silence my sabotaging inner voice, who insists that my reality checks are silly and won't work? Fake it til you make it, like everything else?

The main thing when working with the SC (no matter what one's reasons) is to take it seriously, and treat it as such.  I recommend you talk to it actively, verbalizing both sides, get to know it without judgement.  Perhaps, get used to journaling it, have a dialogue, and in time you'll definitely see why your SC thinks RCs are silly--and that's key... let it express itself--SCs just don't "do" something without reason.  While I know it takes effort, it's fun, and can be done in any free time you may have.  Gulp... mammahood... 

Until getting to know your SC about this topic, you're giving your SC the freedom to drift into or out of states as it sees fit, without knowing quite why.  Hold it accountable for it's beliefs as they arise, but do so with love, some people need strength here, or gentleness, depending on how one's experience of true love has been throughout life.  In this way, you can invite it to express itself... experience its persona / archetype on this topic, and soon enough, first you'll be having dreams about the silliness of doing RCs... LOL, but not catching them for lucidity.  And maybe then... or even concurrently, you'd potentially open up to having RCs work to gain lucidity, by your SC taking them seriously!

I believe fake it till you make doesn't work long-term on the SC--like you know with some of my forced journeys... they all come to an end... and often over-load the SC with a new response to the forcing/faking attempted.  But they do get short-term gains, and in the beginning, seeing some immediate results sometimes is important.  Just if you do this, don't worry then it stops working in time.

Hee hee... Of course, you could just set up the simpler, less effort way, of demanding your will to adhere to the app reminder by an attention getting electrical shock app!!!  Ha ha ha.     hee hee...  This gets fun in the bedroom, of course...

Can't wait to hear updates on the progress/experiment here!! 
This analyst is pulling for ya!   

I'm really liking the idea of literally talking to my SC. Talking out loud to get chaotic thoughts out of my head and into the world is already something I do to try and understand myself better, so this seems right up my alley. It sounds fun, too. It's also kind of in line with the background of how the name "Bee" and now, "Lyra" came to be (Bee was about "unfucking" my childhood with the limited awareness I had at the time; Lyra is on that same journey, with a little more - yet still, always limited - awareness). Maybe it makes sense to verbally address my SC with a name, such as Bee or Lyra (or whatever feels right). I really am excited about this little experiment. Feels a bit crazy, but I do believe you have to go a little crazy to stay sane. Bet you know exactly what I mean!! 

There's so much more I could say on this topic (perhaps some other time ... I'll be having to relieve A of his baby duties soon!), but I want to at least say for now that all of what you're saying here makes deeper sense to me than it would have years ago. As past experiences flash before me, I see certain details in an interesting new light. Suffice it to say ... it's not just reality checks that I am/was finding unnecessarily silly (or otherwise misinterpreting).

As for your suggested simpler/more straight-forward approach ... we'll keep will-tests and electrical shocks in the bedroom, thanks! For reality checks, I'm sold on Crazy Mode! Gotta get intimate with those complexities!! I'm thinking maybe your earlier voice recorder app suggestion could even come in handy here (although, I am quite uncomfortable with the sound of my recorded voice; maybe that's just another thing to explore and get over, though ). 

Hmmm ... stay tuned! 

[Lucid Lyra]

I can tell by his expression that he is uncomfortable with how close I am to his truck; he moves up a couple feet.

I love this detail. Takes one to know one, lady!!! 

Your reflections on your potential SC’s motives are so intuitive and clearly formed. I love reading them. Symbols are so personal, and I enjoy imagining how these dreams are functioning, arising within you. It so very personal.    Yet other’s dreams can be the very inspiration we need to gain our own insights into our own too sometimes!!

BTW I love sunrooms.
So jealous.

Haha, I love that you can relate to this! I'm highly conscious of the cars around me, and like to practice people-watching while driving whenever possible. I do it for fun, but it can also be very humanizing, which is desperately needed on the highway ... especially in my state!! 

Here's another driving quirk - I see driving/merging as a fun, communal game of tetris; basically, a perfect opportunity for some jolly cooperation! Can you feel me here??

I'm happy to hear that you enjoy my reflections. They're the most important part for me - especially when I'm dealing with mostly anxiety dreams and struggling with lucidity.

No need to be jealous of my sunroom ... YET - I'm still in the dreaming phase! A is not opposed, at least!

[Lucid Lyra]

12Mar2021

Recall: 3/5
Clarity: 3/5
Lucidity: 0/5

My Baby Can Talk?!

I'm in my bedroom with M - she just woke up from a nap and popped awake speaking full sentences. I wish I could remember all of the things she said, but I do clearly recall her saying, "I'm cold, Mommy".

I can't get over it - she's such a tiny little peanut ...  talking to me!!

Now, I'm in the nursery looking in M's closet something warmer. I think I ask her if she wants something with footies - and she responds (though, I don't recall her reply).

At some point, I'm in another room - seemingly in another house because my cousin (C) is here. It feels like we're in a basement, or otherwise downstairs (I remember there being a set of stairs going up and the room feels dark with no natural light).

There is a tan/brown couch along the wall in this room; C is sitting along the far side of it. I bring M over to her and excitedly explain how she can talk now. I told C all of the sentences M had said. Even in the dream, I couldn't remember them all so I had to guess a few, knowing that I was probably a little off.

Comments:

M has always been very vocal baby, and started babbling early - around 2.5 months! Now that she's nearly 9 months, I'm just waiting for the day that she surprises me with a full sentence. She has so much fun practicing all of her sounds (even complicated ones like "rrrr" and "ssss"). She impresses me a little more each day.

I think what my dad recalls of me as a young baby also partly inspired the dream; I was apparently talking to him about something and suddenly spoke loud and sternly, "Daddy! You're not listening to me!" He says he was taken aback because he didn't realize I could form sentences.

Anyway, before bed, I was concerned that M would be too cold because we had her in a regular onesie (short sleeves, no pants). She runs so hot, though, and kicks off the covers when we try to put them on her. When I'm cold (which I usually am at night this time of year), I assume she must be cold and feel like she's under dressed ... but clearly, she's a little heater.

I think I meet with C in a dark basement because our relationship has dwindled over the years. In truth, it's always been toxic - but she was family and my closest friend. She's been on my mind because she recently reached out; she was in a rut and needed help. I believe the rut was real, but her attempts at manipulating my emotions made me feel used (I would have helped her regardless). In general, I only hear from her when she needs something.

Sometimes, I think of when C and I were kids and how I assumed our families would be close forever. Back then, there was no question that our future children would be best friends. As it turns out, that couldn't be father from the truth.

On a brighter note, M is surrounded by good people. I don't have to worry that she's missing out. She's got everything she needs.

[kineticwaves]

I've had that, too, where my mom would bring up certain scenarios and they would influence what I dream about. It's interesting how that works!!

And good luck with your baby!! She will get there!

[Lucid Lyra]

13Mar2021

Recall: 1/5
Clarity: 2/5
Lucidity: 0/5

Team Building

I am looking at a long text from my former colleague, C. I'm hoping that it's an invite to a team building event. Its not, though.

I'm feeling disappointed. The text is actually something about a vacation she's on.

 I remember seeing pictures throughout the messages, but I can't recall what they were.

I remember being happy for C, though. She deserves the break.

Comments:

Not a very detailed dream. Just a quickie after trying to catch a couple more hours of sleep in the morning.

I've been thinking about work lately; it's been 6 months since I officially resigned to stay home with my daughter. I was with the company for just over 7 years at that point. I have mixed feeling about my time there but, overall, it was an important phase of my life, where I was challenged in ways that helped me to gain confidence in my strengths and to accept my weaknesses.

Lol ... one of the milder challenges I faced was embracing the numerous team building events we were (strongly) encouraged to engage in. My thought process (which no one would have guessed because I'm a team player and conflict-avoidant) was, "I see you people enough... let me stay home and bond with my partner!" (I was working long days while also attending school, so I felt like I was never home).

Oh, how things can change.  Now, I'm always home with the responsibilities of motherhood/ considerations about the pandemic. I'm still wanting more time with my partner, but I'm now also craving a sense of community/connection outside of that.

A team building event would be a nice break. I'd be open to almost anything. Upon resigning, my manager did "warn me"  that I wasn't off the hook just because I was leaving, and that I'd have to join them next time they plan something, once things with COVID settle down. We'll see. 

C's vacation was likely inspired by my envy of others I know who are currently planning vacations.

C was one of the few on my team I could relate to on a human level. The others were great workers, but extremely type A. I always felt like C deserved more credit than she was given for being able to lead gently and hold the team together. I'm sure she really does deserve that vacation!

[Lucid Lyra]

14Mar2021

Recall: 4/5
Clarity: 4/5
Lucidity: 0/5

Nicki Minaj and the Enticing Hoagie

I'm with a former supervisor (HM) in a parking lot (either at work or a grocery store - I can't clearly recall); my daughter (M) is currently asleep in my arms.

HM mentions broken windows in her car; I see them - small, triangular areas of missing glass in the corners of the front and back driver's side windows. There is what looks like clear packing tape over them to help block out the wind. Making small talk, I express that it's a bad time for broken windows (meaning the cold weather).

HM offers to drive us home. I accept, until she asks if M needs a car seat. I suddenly realize, "Oh shit ... yeah, she does. Duh."

I decline, saying it's not a big deal since I expected to go home on our own anyway (not sure if I meant by car or by walking, given the circumstances).

Now I'm still in a parking lot (same one?), but I'm standing near Nicki Minaj by her mini van with a few other people. We're unpacking groceries for a or gathering or party of some sort. (work event?)

Nicki is telling people which bags they should carry; I perceive this as kind of bossy, but not surprising. I feel a bit useless. I would offer to help, but M is still sleeping in my arms.

I remember something about a deli sub, possibly in one of the bags. At some point, I'm really eying up this sub, and zooming in on it like nothing else exists. It looks like an American sub stuffed with lots of ham or possibly bologna; the sub is wrapped in clear plastic,  so I can see pink meat overflowing from the sides and top of the hoagie roll.

Comments:

As mentioned in the previous dream entry, I've been reflecting a lot on my experiences at my last job, now that I'm embracing the stay-at-home Mom life; I think that explains HM's appearance. It also may be important to note that HM was a significant figure for me at work because she was the one who was most impressed by my cover letter, really pushing to get me hired.

My cover letter was not exactly your typical cover letter, so I took somewhat of a risk submitting it. I realized later on that HM was opinionated to a fault with a bit of a chip on her shoulder (for example, she would have judged me harshly for leaving work to take care of my daughter, or for having a baby in the first place). Although I never got the feeling that my other colleagues were as moved by my cover letter as HM was (they seemed impressed by more typical/practical characteristics, such as the number of years at my previous job and vibes of sincerity), I found that I meshed quite well with them, whereas I found myself somewhat cautious/less trustful of HM over time, despite initially feeling most comfortable around her. Life is funny sometimes.

I've read that broken windows in a dream can symbolize struggles with intimacy. I do see people with HM's personality-type as struggling with intimacy because of their struggle to be honest with themselves, so HM may be a representation of this for me. The broken windows could also have something to do with my own feelings of vulnerability lately.

I think the scene where I totally forgot M would need a car seat is a perfect representation of how "out of it" I've been feeling lately. I've been missing the simplest of things. Feeling more useless than I'm used to feeling in many situations, such as in the grocery bag instance, is also fairly common these days.

I have no idea why Nicki Minaj appeared it my dream, lmao! I'm not a fan of her/her music. I think maybe I saw that YouTube recommended a video of her chatting with or about Joe Biden? I'm really not too sure. She does give off a bossy vibe, though ... haha! 

I think the American hoagie appeared partly because I was hungry and miss eating real bread (I can't anymore due to issues with gluten). I've also chosen to avoid highly processed foods, like lunch meat, but ... I do miss that, too.

Also, back in the day when I was a deli clerk at a grocery store, I used to make hoagies that looked just like the dream hoagie, so maybe that explains how detailed it was ... lol. Not to mention, I didn't exactly follow the recipe when making the hoagies - I used to over-stuff them; they sold really well, so I didn't get in trouble for it. 

God, I do not miss that job! It is where I met my partner, though! The earlier part of the dream with HM and probably the work event with NM seem to reflect my most recent job in a corporate/RUO setting. I find, though, that when I dream of work, it's often a blend of my most significant past jobs.

[Caradon]

A submarine sandwich sounds pretty good right about now. Well, without bread it could be a delicious  salad.

Sorry Nicki Minaj showed up in your dream, lol. Wasn't she the one that was an American Idol judge? I watched that season. I never heard of her before that, and didn't care for her on American Idol at all.

[Lucid Lyra]

Haha, I wish I could get as excited about a salad. Well, I suppose I might for an extremely meaty salad! 

Lol thanks for sympathizing! I haven't watched American Idol in a while, but I wouldn't be surprised if Nicki Minaj was a host there.

I guess, to be fair, I don't know too much about her ... but she comes across as highly annoying.

[Lucid Lyra]

16Mar2021

Recall: 4/5
Clarity: 4/5
Lucidity: 1/5
Note: meditation-induced

At the Beach with a Friend

I'm on a secluded beach with my eyes closed, but I'm still able to see the ocean in front of me. I'm standing just far enough to feel the waves arrive at my toes, and then fall; it feels cold, but refreshing.

K is with me now - I feel like he always was, but I didn't notice before. I realize this is the beach near his house that he's told me about. Something about that makes me feel reassured.

At some point, it doesn't feel like K is physically here, but that we are still connected on some other, maybe telepathic, level. I feel him guiding me to walk deeper and deeper into the ocean.

Comments:

This dream occurred during a nap, with M on my chest. Prior to falling asleep, I was meditating to the sounds of M's ocean sound machine.

I've assigned this a level 1 for lucidity because there was a sense of awareness that is not typically present for me; however, I don't recall realizing it was a dream. It was more like I remembered that I had been meditating and thought that was still the case.

I've been reflecting on my friendship with K, and thinking specifically about he has been a critical partner in SC exploration. Given that we've seen a lot of those adventures as waves that we've ridden and (in some cases) crashed hard from, the beach connection is no surprise. Plus, there really was that beach that he often spoke so fondly of.

We don't speak as often these days, but I do remember elements of past conversations/experiences and feel like his words are comforting and/or guiding me, at times.

Going deeper is likely a reference to my recent efforts toward engaging my partner in uncomfortable, but necessary, conversation.

I think it's also interesting to note that a common anxiety dream theme for me is the inability to see/open my eyes; yet, in this dream, I'm able to see with my eyes closed.

[Lucid Lyra]

I've been having really shitty recall the past couple of nights, and am currently exhausted/strapped for time - M has been super fussy from her 9 month shots and the Pfizer COVID vaccine is currently kicking my partner's ass, so I've been on baby duty alone.

Thst being said, I'm not going to follow my usual format; I'll just record the fragments I can recall with maybe a truncated analysis.

18Mar2021

- Something about my older brother (B) in trouble for having been misunderstood. (In reality, he is mildly autistic ... mild enough to slip past people's radars. This has landed him in sticky situations, e.g. when people are unaware of his disability and misjudge the "off" feeling that have about him)

- Something about a beach and a storm. (This is a recurring combo for me)

- I remember sitting in an auditorium row with my cousin (S), her mom, and maybe a couple others. There's an image projected in front of us with lots of words on it, and someone standing at a podium beside the projection screen. Some people in the audience, included S and her mom, are offended by something on the screen. S and her mom are mad at me for feeling neutral about the whole thing. I think it's all stupid, and just want to get out of here (I won't say much about this other than that this generally sums up my feelings regarding a variety of discussions I've either observed or found myself in).